Wednesday, March 7, 2012

March 6 & 7: Heaviness

Get Out of the Fold: blue, pink, and gray

Get Out of the Fold: blue, pink, and gray by bunni711 featuring a neon belt

Rapacious (ruh-PAY-shus) adj. - greedy; grasping; predatory [Webster's]; Aggressively greedy or grasping [Google Dictionary]

March 6: I played a lot of Boggle Bash on Pogo today.  I'm not very good at it, but it's kind of addicting.  At first I was wondering why I was the only person in the game room (there are challenge you complete as a group), but then I realized that I had to join a room (I had just pressed 'Play Now') - silly me! It was kind of worse playing with other people, though, because I keep doing poorly comparatively.

I also played the Sims today.  I haven't played in a while, partly because of how busy I've been and partly because I go through phases of interest and it's just not part of this one.  I go through these phases all the time where I am very interested in one or a few things or I only want to do certain things, then after a few months or less I switch to something else.  I guess now it's reading and making stuff on Polyvore.  I'm not sure.  It's hard to tell when something is a phase or when it's more permanent.  I hope the reading is permanent.  I think it is because I've always loved reading a lot and I've been reading pretty consistently for a long time now.  I thought that with crochet, though, too.

Honestly, I think I had a pretty boring day.  Not much of it was memorable.  I got to watch my shows tonight - New Girl and Raising Hope.  I was a little distracted playing Boggle, though...  I spent most of the day in my room on the computer, but I got a good chunk of work done, too.  I found a great research article for my proposal that gave me a lot of information to work with.  If I keep this up, the paper will be no problem at all.  I think it's the motivation to write it that is the real problem.  It doesn't help that I feel like I don't even need to take the class.  We learned this stuff in high school.  I think I'm beyond it now.  Blech.

Getting so much research and writing done makes me feel a lot better.  I feel more calm - the anxiety over it has been building up slowly and freaking me out a bit.  Anxiety seems to be a theme for me right now.  I have to find it in myself to relax and calm down.  This is not the end of the world!  This is just a class.  I've taken a million of them.  It will be fine.  Repeat.

March 7: Today has been a strange day.  Before I get into the strangeness, I'll relate some more mundane facts.  For most of the morning and early afternoon, I did some more cleaning in my room.  I actually organized my sister's books on her bookshelf and made her bed.  The messiness of our room has been stressing me out lately, but the organization makes me feel calm and good.  I went through more boxes and tackled the closet.  I even hung a closet organizer in there, but ended up breaking the clothing rod.  Well, not really breaking - it was already broken.  I just made it fall off.  My dad fixed it with some wire temporarily, but we'll see how it works out.  I have a suspicion that I will wake up in the middle of the night to a giant crash from the rod spilling all our clothes and snapping in two (again).

I watched this new show called Genuine Ken, which was pretty silly.  The host was silly.  The guys were silly.  Just silliness.  I felt heavy, though, and needed distracting.  Later I read a whole bunch.  My book is getting heavy and it's rubbing off on me.  Sometimes I get too into my books.  We had corn on the cob for dinner, which I have been wanting for a really long time.  It was delicious.  We had some brownies later, but they weren't cooked all the way.  Honestly, the gooey parts were the best, though.  I played more Boggle earlier, too.  Still suck at it.

So, the strangeness.  My day was normal for most of the morning and afternoon.  I had some lunch and talked to James, read some of my book.  Then I decided to watch The Bachelor.  It was the "women tell all" episode.  I never like them.  They're boring and most often annoying.  Everyone complains and hates on everyone else.  It's ugly.  This was the worst one.  I don't think I want to get into everything (I already had a long conversation with James about it - which led to some other, unrelated revelations).  It just made me upset to hear everything the other girls had to say about Courtney.  I know she was a bitch and hurt a lot of people, but she deserves a second chance just like everyone else.  One of the things I hated the most were the looks on the audience members' faces when they heard about her.  God, it makes me sick.  They are television viewers, watching someone's life unfold.  They know nothing but what they see on TV.  It makes me sick to see people judging without thinking and being heartless and unforgiving.  It makes me hate the world we live in.

I guess the big thing is that I can relate to Courtney.  I have trouble making friends and being around people.  It stresses me out and people misjudge me all the time for my shyness.  When people said things about her, of course her defenses went up.  When the girls said they dealt with the same discomfort and anxiety by making friends and supporting each other, I just thought you do not get it.  It's not my personality to lash out at people who hurt me, but I understand the alienation, the misjudgment, the unfairness.  I understand what it's like to be talked about behind your back.  It scares me so much to hear such finality when all the girls said they could never forgive her, no matter what she did.  Did she really wound you so deeply that you could be so callous?  If someone breaks down crying right in front of you, can you really turn around and say it was all an act?  I fully realize that I could be an excessively naive person - but I believe her.  I believe that someone can make grievous mistakes and wish them back wholeheartedly.  She isn't good with people.  Neither am I.  I get it.

Those other girls up there saying terrible things about Courtney were like the popular girls who bullied me in Elementary School.  They just don't know they are.  And they have wounded her (and the media, much more so) more than she ever hurt them.  Does she deserve to be ridiculed, derided, abused because of the crass things she said out of defense?  If you expect forgiveness for yourself, you had better be ready to give it out, too.  I learned today that hatred knows no bounds.

Liked I said, I don't know if Courtney is just as rapacious as everyone says she is, but I see myself in her.  I see someone who has been hurt in the past, who mistrusts people and is misunderstood, who has made mistakes and realized them.  Maybe I read too much humanity into these people - they are on television, aren't they?  Isn't the main goal to make good television, after all?

I know I said I didn't want to get into it.  Sorry about that.

I won't get into the other things I realized today.  I just know that I need to reexamine the way I see myself.  It's difficult for me to reconcile the path that I'm walking now with the dreams I had for myself when I was younger.  I really wanted to go far in life.  I had a lot of high hopes for college and my career.  Now I feel like I missed the mark.  I keep using that phrase a lot.  I feel like I didn't do what I wanted to and it's too late.  I guess that's silly - I am pretty young still.  I just envisioned something different and I need to come to terms with what my life is and will be now.  I shouldn't think of it as so concrete, but I can't help it.  It feels like there's no going back.  I just know that I am a completely different creature from the one who dreamed of double majors, high honors, internships, business suits...

What I really want now is just a job I enjoy that won't invade my life.  I don't want my job to be my life.  I want to sit at home with James every night and watch movies and spend too much time online and chase my hobby phases.  I want to eat good food and read books and decorate a house.  I want puppies and quiet nights and feeling in love with James more and ore every day.  I just want to be alone with a few people.  The world scares me and people scare me.  I don't want it.  I just want my little life and nothing else.

They weren't kidding when they said this time of life was really hard.


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