Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Move Along

I was thinking recently about how much things have changed for me in the past year.  Yes I'm happier and yes I feel more confident than I ever have before.  Things are good.  But I just got to wondering how I left things behind - things that had been my life for as long as I can remember - so easily.  And people who I had known and lived with for two years...  I missed things at Johnson for a while, sure.  But it was really easy to separate myself from that life and just shoot full-speed ahead in this new one.  Like maybe somehow it all glanced right off my shoulder.

The thing about being in psychology is that I'm always analyzing myself, too.  I think what it is, is that I was so unhappy there and so lonely and so caged - I really got to the point, psychologically, where I had to leave.  I needed the opportunities and freedoms of a big university.  Bottom line is, I have big dreams for my future.  I love planning things out, and I cannot tell you how many times I have written out the next six years on paper, visualizing the kind of path my life will unfold into.  I just keep writing out the list, over and over.  I have been filling some of my empty free time with making budgets for after I finish school, looking at houses, researching places to live (I really should be looking at schools, but I'll get to it).  I feel excited again instead of lost and confused.  I didn't fit in there.  And maybe things won't be as good with James only visiting on the weekends, but I think that's really only part of the equation.  I'll be working at the paper, doing research, getting ready for grad school, taking more classes than I'm really looking forward to.  But I do think I'll be happy.  And hopefully, I'll have the time to make some friends.  Hopefully people who I can count on and who won't just be around when it's convenient or when they have no one else to hang out with or because they feel bad or something.  I've always been that person who befriends people because they're good people and maybe they don't have other friends.  I've never cared about popularity.  I just want to be a good person and reach out to others, no matter what other people think of them.  I don't know, I've gotten burned too many times for trusting people.

So I just feel as if there should be some deeper answer to how I made that transition so easily from Johnson to where I am now.  I think the real answer is that I was always how I am now, but I was afraid to be myself. I thought it would be wrong to just be me.  Because it was all so strict and tight-laced; I had no breathing room.  I guess I never felt like I would be good enough for any of it.  But I know that being me is enough.  And it's really more than enough because I'm being true to myself and not pretending to be something I'm not. I've never been much for lying or dealing with people who lie.  It's just not something I'm cool with.  So I'm glad to not be pretending to be perfect anymore.  I'm glad to just be myself and let that be enough.  I'm glad to not have to pretend like people who never talked to me were my "friends."  I'm glad to have more options for my future and a better chance at achieving what I want in life.  I'm glad to have the heavy weight of expectations off my shoulders.

Sometimes I wonder if this change came about because I left it all behind, or simply because I grew up.  I guess there's really no way to know.  And I don't plan on ever going back.  I just wish that everyone was okay with my decisions and thought that I was enough, too.  But I only need to have the confidence in myself. If no one else can see the good this has done for me and how this is how I was always supposed to be, well it's a pity, but I don't need anyone else.  It sucks, but sometimes you just have to keep on blazing your own trail, and just leave those people in your dust.