Thursday, February 9, 2012

Feb 9: Freaking Out


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So, I'm not really going to write about my day in this post because I have something I really need to get off my chest.  I'm really upset right now and sitting up (it's 2am) worrying about this technical writing paper that was due today.  I had my directions written and done - I posted a first draft on the discussion boards two days ago and a revised one last night.  The teacher and one other person commented on them and I made the changes they suggested. I had everything done today and sat down earlier tonight to make some last changes before submitting it.  What ended up happening is that I was tweaking little things and making sure I had everything perfect (because I know how thorough the prof is when grading), when I realized that my homework was late.  Yes, folks - late.  I had been thinking all day that this homework was due at 11:59pm like all my other homework, but it was actually due at 10pm.  I was freaking out, crying, and practically having a conniption because I am pretty confident that she will not care much that I accidentally turned it in late.  The prof has a policy that if you turn it in late from 10:01pm up to 6 days after it's due, you get 10% off, assuming that she even takes the homework.  I am worried sick that she won't even accept it.  I'm worried because that means the end of my straight As and it makes me worried for the future because I obviously couldn't afford turning anything else in late on accident.

I know this sounds kind of silly.  I can recognize that, at least.  The thing is that I care a lot about my grades and this is really eating at me.  I'm not confident that she will take pity on me at all, even though I asked in my e-mail to her that she would forgive the mistake and grade it as if it had been on time.  She's very strict, though, so I'm just afraid it won't end well.  I hate that I'm so upset about it, but it's keeping me up thinking of all the things she might say and what I could say back.  It's so frustrating because I was just caught up in trying to make it perfect and didn't realize that the time it was due was different.  I would have had it in on time if I had remembered.  That's the part that is the most unfair, because I'm not sure that it matters at all to her that the reason it's late is not because I ran out of time or just didn't bother to write it before it was due.  It was late because I was stressed from the week and mistook the time it was due.  I was making simple little changes when the due date passed.  I'm talking words here.  I was going through the paper, trying to find out if I had used expletives and all these other things.  It kills me that it doesn't matter at all, even though my boyfriend has been sick and in the hospital, even though I have three other classes with tons of other homework, even though I had it done in time, even though I tried really hard and I've done well on all the other assignments.

Ugh!  I just don't know what to do.  I mean, I can't really do anything at this point except try to distract myself from thinking about it or imagining the worst possible outcomes.  Sorry for the grim (and possibly boring) post, but the blog is supposed to be about how "writing is cheaper than therapy" and I need to write about this to get over it.  Geez!  This semester is really kicking my butt, I'm telling you.  It's so unfair that one little mistake about the time could cost me my good grades and possibly get me a zero on this assignment.  You have to understand that there are only like eight assignments in this class.  No tests or quizzes.  I can't remember the exact number, but this paper is around 10% of my grade.  Man, it just sucks.

Anyway, thanks for bearing with me if you got this far.  I'm trying not to freak about this, but it's difficult for me.  Way too much of my identity is wrapped up in how well I do in school.  I know a B (or even an A-) in one class is not the end of the world, or really even a big deal in the grand scheme of things, but it's hard for me to see right now.  I'm worried and it seems really unfair and I'm just going over in my head over and over how the conversation might go between the prof and myself.  I just hope that she is more understanding than I take her for.  Alright, enough of that.  It's not very grown-up of me to be so silly about this.  I do think I feel better about it, though, for writing it down.  I know it's not a big deal and I'll get over it.  I just have to hope for the best and keep perspective.  I let things wear me out too much.  I can't let it get to me.  Thanks for reading.


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