Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Jan 29, 30, and 31: Life Happens

Navy and Red Outfit

Navy and Red Outfit by bunni711 featuring red sneakers

Jan 29: Today I did pretty much nothing but work.  I had to finish up my JavaScript homework and do my labs for Networking.  Unfortunately, there were 19 labs in this chapter and many of them had extra load time because of how they were configured.  It took a long time but I finally got it done.  I took a little break earlier in the day - it's not a good idea to work yourself to the bone.  That's something I've learned over the years...  I guess I do put a lot of value in how well I do in school.  You can probably tell by how much I talk about it. It's just nice to be good at something and to feel accomplished.  I don't know if it's a bad thing to have so much of myself wrapped up in my identity as someone who is intelligent.  Maybe I'm really not even as smart as I think, but there is no denying that it's something I sort of define myself by.  I'm working on it, though.

One of the most important things in life is understanding yourself, so I am always trying to glean new information about how I work from the things that happen in my life, how I act in different situations, and what I feel.  I may be a bit irrational at times, but I think the one thing that remains true in those situations is that I am genuine.  What I feel is what I say - I am not pretending to be anything other than what I am.  It's so strange that I spent so much of my life being reserved - or at least acting like it - when really I just crave the opportunity to let my true self out.  I am such an open person when given the chance.  Sometimes too much so.  But I hope that no one can say about me that I'm fake or that I pretend.  I will tell you, I couldn't manipulate someone if I wanted to.  I guess the word is guileless.  Although I wouldn't say that I'm naive at all.  I suppose I can be sometimes - when it comes to things like expecting people to act honorably in all situations.  And I am young, yes, but I am also watchful.  I am still learning but I am taking those opportunities to see the world in a new light.  I hope I never let my notions cloud my sight - I want to see the world in as true a light as possible.  Of course, that's a tall order - how can you see past your own prejudices and the coloring of how you see the world?  These aren't things you do on purpose.  We can only try.

Well, enough of that.  On with the show!  Oh yeah, and we saw that movie Sucker Punch, which I had been wanting to see.  I was doing homework through all of it, but I wasn't really impressed.  I hate seeing movies that objectify women, and I just had a very indifferent feeling about it.

Jan 30: I had a rough night.  I woke up feeling very low and just unsure about some things.  I guess I felt insecure.  This is one of those situations when I start to wonder why I write this blog.  Obviously it would be boring to just list events that happen in my life; I want to write something deeper than that (at least sometimes).  But I also can't spill my guts all over the Internet, either.  I have no idea who reads this blog or how my words come across to others.  I don't know if they make me seem stupid, smart, haughty, pathetic, silly, boring, or anything else.  I have to be wise about what I write.  The Internet is forever, after all.  At least, that's what some people think.  And I have to keep in mind that other people are involved in what happens in my life.  I can't just put other people's business up on the Internet on a whim - I have to respect them and show discretion.  That's a big reason why I never really talk much about my relationship with James.  My reader's (if there are any) are not naive.  I'm in a relationship that has lasted for over six years and you know there will be more serious situations that occur than I will elaborate in this blog.  All I can do is write about what I feel.

Well, I guess I promised I was done with that, but I really am now.  Nothing really interesting happened today.  I'm back at my house and glad to see my family and my puppy dog.  We had some delicious chocolate lava cake for dessert.  We missed our shows, though, because my dad has some political news shows he likes to watch at the same time.  I stayed up late because I was still a little upset, but Polyvore cheered me up.  I made this pretty outfit (seen above) which is both comfy and stylish.  Plus I'm in love with that red scarf.  I'd love to put on that oversized navy sweater right now and just cuddle up.  : )

Jan 31:  The first thing I did when I woke up today was get on Polyvore and make some more outfits.  I was still on there when James called after lunch (and I was eating a late one).  My mom picked up some Nutella and Uncle Ben's rice and I had some rice for lunch.  She had to do some errands today, so she also picked up some yummy cream-filled donuts. I had one and saved the other for James.  It's sort of a tradition to save him yummy food that I get.  He usually does it for me, too.  I miss him when I'm at home.

I watched some design shows in the afternoon and then got started on more JavaScript.  I find it really enjoyable now.  Some of the code I'm writing is confusing - I understand the examples and explanations, but I think maybe the book isn't explaining what we do for the tutorial as well.  Maybe I'm just working through it too fast - I like to get to the actual coding parts.  I caught some more of that Ink Masters show.  I like watching tattoos get made and seeing how they turn out.  It's just another way of making art.  I also watched The Bachelor and it seems like it could possibly be fake.  I really don't want it to be, though.  I like to believe that the stuff on the show is real.  I like to believe that people are looking for love, even though it's on a television show.  That makes me sound so naive.  I guess I really am a little too naive for my own good.  *Sigh*  I think I'll go on watching it anyway.  Even though I can tell they are manipulating me so that I feel certain things during the show - hatred for the jerk in the house, disappointment for the girls that go home, excitement for the dates.  Ben doesn't seem like a likely bachelor, though.  He seems pretty normal.  Plus, he isn't completely ridiculously good looking like some of these people.  He looks like someone I would find cute.  I'm beyond fantasizing about that, though.  Don't worry about me; I have my own relationship and my own happiness to occupy me.

Yes, I have written a lot.  I think it's a good thing, though, because I feel like I opened up more in this post than I do sometimes.  It's been so busy and I had a rough day the other day, so I was getting behind in my posts.  It's nice to catch up and also to have something less superficial to say.

Speaking of getting behind!  I'm behind now in my reading.  School has gotten more intense and this book is really dragging - I'm just not feeling it very much.  Tomorrow I hope to just sit down and get through that baby so I can move on.  Well, I hope you have a great night!


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