Sunday, March 25, 2012

March 23, 24, & 25: How Low Can You Go?

Summer Collection 2012

Summer Collection 2012 by bunni711 featuring draped tops

Hebdomadal (heb-DAH-muh-dull) adj. - weekly [Google Dictionary]; occurring, appearing, or done every week; weekly []

March 23: Sorry for all the triple posts lately, I've had a lot going on and a lot on my mind.  Even though I've been skipping days, I'm still writing for every day - I'm not going to let this become a hebdomadal event.

Today James and I watched both movies we had out from the library.  We watched J. Edgar during lunch (we got a yummy supreme pizza from the store).  The movie was alright, but nothing special.  I think Leonardo DiCaprio did a good job, though.  In general, I think the acting was really good, but the movie was still kind of blah.  

Ever since I had that realization yesterday (about my relationship anxiety) and spent time thinking about the other things I struggle with (like depression/dysthymia), I've been able to see my own actions and feelings more clearly.  I notice evidence of my anxiety in the way I react to certain things and I can see how my insecurities come out in everyday life.  I'm fighting against them - just knowing they're there gives me more power to fight them.

Later on, we went to the store to buy some of those amazing sandwiches, but they were out.  We bought stuff to make them, instead:  roasted turkey, swiss cheese, some amazing buns, and mayo (of course!)  They were so amazingly good.  We watched Hugo while we ate.  It was really, really good.  I liked it a lot.  There was a great story line and a great ending (something that I notice is quite rare in most story incarnations - both books and movies).  

I didn't do much else besides read and hang out with James.  I'm glad to be able to spend time with him - even more so after being away and missing him the past few days.  I forgot to mention this in my last post, but James and I had a good conversation on the phone Wednesday night (before he came over to get me).  He told me all about his Mass Effect 3 game and I asked him a bunch of questions about it.  Then, I told him all about my book.  Later on, I told him all about my experience the other night on reddit and the new realizations I had made about the struggles I have been facing.  It's the most amazing feeling knowing you have someone who you can tell anything.

March 24:  We had some more sandwiches for lunch today.  We didn't pick up enough lunch meat last night, so we had to stop by the store again today for more.  We're out of movies to watch and there was nothing good on TV today.  Literally nothing.  James has been playing games a lot today, but being alone for a while is still nice.  I've been reading and wandering about online.  For dinner, we shared a box from Pizza Hut (it has pizza, cheesy breadsticks, and cinnastix in it).  It was pretty yummy.

Earlier I brought up something with James that is a bit of a touchy subject with us.  I knew when it was happening that it wouldn't end well, but I went ahead with it anyway.  It's a difficult situation, but I always seem to choose the worst ways in which to handle it.  I got pretty upset about it, though, and it just snowballed for me.  Now I'm feeling really down.  I'm paying much closer attention now to my emotions and reactions, but this still seems kind of random.  I mean, it makes some sense that I would feel upset, but the way I'm feeling now is disproportionate to the situation.  The worst part is that I feel like I have no control over it.  I am trying hard to fight against the feelings, but sometimes it seems like I just can't win over them.  

Later on, I went on reddit to see if I could find some support.  They actually have amazing people on some of their subreddits.  It's nice to be reminded that I'm not alone - I'm not the only one experiencing these things.  There are so many other people out there struggling with their feelings.  It gives me hope in situations that seem hopeless.  It might be strange to say "hopeless," but if you've never experienced these feelings, you really cannot understand.  Even though I know nothing in my life is hopeless, my brain keeps repeating its poisonous mantras.  It's just important not to feel trapped.

James is here for me, though.  He may not know exactly what I feel or experience, but he has been patient and understanding.  That's all I can ask or hope for.

March 25:  I woke up today still feeling down.  I slept in and didn't feel like doing much.  I had been thinking all day I wanted to play the Sims, but kept convincing myself I didn't really want to or that it wouldn't be any fun.  It's an off day so far.

James felt really sick last night and it carried over to today.  We're going to go see The Hunger Games next week, instead.  I was looking forward to going today, but this just means I'll have something to look forward to all of next week.  I'm pretty excited to go see the movie; it looks good.

For lunch, James and I went and got sandwiches from the store.  It's kind of funny that we've eaten those sandwiches 3 days in a row, but I'll tell you, those are the best sandwiches I've ever had.  I'd eat them every day if I could.  James went and played games for most of the afternoon while I watched Say Yes to the Dress: Atlanta.  I'm not really sure why I like watching that show so much, but I think it's just fun to see all those pretty dresses and imagine trying them on myself.  We must be trained up from little girls to care about clothes and enjoy dressing up.  I don't see anything wrong with that at all.  I think sports are the male equivalent for silly interests.  

Later on, I took a long nap.  I've been pretty tired lately, but it's probably because I've been feeling so low the past couple of days.  When I woke up, I felt much better.  James and I hung out, joked around, and watched TV together.  

We saw a pretty interesting show about the poles (North and South, not Polish people).  There was an awkward moment when some polar bears were getting friendly and James' nephew was in the room, but we changed the channel real fast.  They talked about all sorts of cool animals that live on the poles, like polar bears, penguins, seals, killer whales, wolves, and even narwhals.  There was also a part about a certain type of caterpillar who eats as much as possible in the spring, trying to gain enough weight to metamorphose.  Most often, they can't make it before Winter comes, so they find a place to lie down and their hearts actually stop beating, they stop breathing, and their blood freezes.  Come spring, they just pop back up like nothing (they don't actually freeze to death), and start munching away again.  They do this for years before they can actually become moths.  The one they showed tried for 14 years before s/he made it.  There were also a lot of cute baby animals, so I had fun watching it.  Plus, I like learning things when I watch TV, strange as that is.

I crocheted some earlier and then sat in Jamie's room while he played Mass Effect 3.  I like watching him play games - especially ones with an interesting story line (sports games, not so much).  Last night, I asked him questions about the game, especially the many different creatures in it.  (I call the Turians kitties - they just look like kitty cats to me, don't ask.  Also, sometimes James and I meow when one of them comes on.  We're weird like that.)

I read while he played his game and FINALLY finished 1Q84.  Here's my rating:

1Q841Q84 by Haruki Murakami

My rating: 4 of 5 stars

View all my reviews

I was kind of disappointed in the book.  It was really good, don't get me wrong.  The story was interesting, the writing style was smooth, the language was rich - but I was let down a bit by the ending.  I felt like the ending was more of an afterthought.  I felt like there were some loose ends, or at least elements of the story that were never pursued.  The story felt complete, but at the same time, a lot was left as unexplainable or was loosely explained.  I think the story was just too massive.  There was a much more concise path that could have been followed to make the story more complete.  I don't know.  I hate philosophizing about books (and dislike those who try), so I'm not going to go on about it.  These are only my impressions and I won't try to guess at the aims of the author.  It was a good book, though. I would still recommend it.

Well, I'm glad I got a chance to sit down and write some more.  I think one of the problems in the past few days was that I just wasn't sure how to get some of the events down in writing.  I'm still not sure I did a good job of it.  My main goal in doing this blog is to be able to sit down at the end of the year with a solid copy in my hands as a journal of my life this year.  But of course, I am my own worst critic.


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