March 23, 24, & 25: How Low Can You Go?

Summer Collection 2012 by bunni711 featuring draped tops

Hebdomadal (heb-DAH-muh-dull) adj. - weekly [Google Dictionary]; occurring, appearing, or done every week; weekly [m-w.com]

March 23: Sorry for all the triple posts lately, I've had a lot going on and a lot on my mind.  Even though I've been skipping days, I'm still writing for every day - I'm not going to let this become a hebdomadal event.

Today James and I watched both movies we had out from the library.  We watched J. Edgar during lunch (we got a yummy supreme pizza from the store).  The movie was alright, but nothing special.  I think Leonardo DiCaprio did a good job, though.  In general, I think the acting was really good, but the movie was still kind of blah.  

Ever since I had that realization yesterday (about my relationship anxiety) and spent time thinking about the other things I struggle with (like depression/dysthymia), I've been able to see my own actions and feelings more clearly.  I notice evidence of my anxiety in the way I react to certain things and I can see how my insecurities come out in everyday life.  I'm fighting against them - just knowing they're there gives me more power to fight them.

Later on, we went to the store to buy some of those amazing sandwiches, but they were out.  We bought stuff to make them, instead:  roasted turkey, swiss cheese, some amazing buns, and mayo (of course!)  They were so amazingly good.  We watched Hugo while we ate.  It was really, really good.  I liked it a lot.  There was a great story line and a great ending (something that I notice is quite rare in most story incarnations - both books and movies).  

I didn't do much else besides read and hang out with James.  I'm glad to be able to spend time with him - even more so after being away and missing him the past few days.  I forgot to mention this in my last post, but James and I had a good conversation on the phone Wednesday night (before he came over to get me).  He told me all about his Mass Effect 3 game and I asked him a bunch of questions about it.  Then, I told him all about my book.  Later on, I told him all about my experience the other night on reddit and the new realizations I had made about the struggles I have been facing.  It's the most amazing feeling knowing you have someone who you can tell anything.

March 24:  We had some more sandwiches for lunch today.  We didn't pick up enough lunch meat last night, so we had to stop by the store again today for more.  We're out of movies to watch and there was nothing good on TV today.  Literally nothing.  James has been playing games a lot today, but being alone for a while is still nice.  I've been reading and wandering about online.  For dinner, we shared a box from Pizza Hut (it has pizza, cheesy breadsticks, and cinnastix in it).  It was pretty yummy.

Earlier I brought up something with James that is a bit of a touchy subject with us.  I knew when it was happening that it wouldn't end well, but I went ahead with it anyway.  It's a difficult situation, but I always seem to choose the worst ways in which to handle it.  I got pretty upset about it, though, and it just snowballed for me.  Now I'm feeling really down.  I'm paying much closer attention now to my emotions and reactions, but this still seems kind of random.  I mean, it makes some sense that I would feel upset, but the way I'm feeling now is disproportionate to the situation.  The worst part is that I feel like I have no control over it.  I am trying hard to fight against the feelings, but sometimes it seems like I just can't win over them.  

Later on, I went on reddit to see if I could find some support.  They actually have amazing people on some of their subreddits.  It's nice to be reminded that I'm not alone - I'm not the only one experiencing these things.  There are so many other people out there struggling with their feelings.  It gives me hope in situations that seem hopeless.  It might be strange to say "hopeless," but if you've never experienced these feelings, you really cannot understand.  Even though I know nothing in my life is hopeless, my brain keeps repeating its poisonous mantras.  It's just important not to feel trapped.

James is here for me, though.  He may not know exactly what I feel or experience, but he has been patient and understanding.  That's all I can ask or hope for.

March 25:  I woke up today still feeling down.  I slept in and didn't feel like doing much.  I had been thinking all day I wanted to play the Sims, but kept convincing myself I didn't really want to or that it wouldn't be any fun.  It's an off day so far.

James felt really sick last night and it carried over to today.  We're going to go see The Hunger Games next week, instead.  I was looking forward to going today, but this just means I'll have something to look forward to all of next week.  I'm pretty excited to go see the movie; it looks good.

For lunch, James and I went and got sandwiches from the store.  It's kind of funny that we've eaten those sandwiches 3 days in a row, but I'll tell you, those are the best sandwiches I've ever had.  I'd eat them every day if I could.  James went and played games for most of the afternoon while I watched Say Yes to the Dress: Atlanta.  I'm not really sure why I like watching that show so much, but I think it's just fun to see all those pretty dresses and imagine trying them on myself.  We must be trained up from little girls to care about clothes and enjoy dressing up.  I don't see anything wrong with that at all.  I think sports are the male equivalent for silly interests.  

Later on, I took a long nap.  I've been pretty tired lately, but it's probably because I've been feeling so low the past couple of days.  When I woke up, I felt much better.  James and I hung out, joked around, and watched TV together.  

We saw a pretty interesting show about the poles (North and South, not Polish people).  There was an awkward moment when some polar bears were getting friendly and James' nephew was in the room, but we changed the channel real fast.  They talked about all sorts of cool animals that live on the poles, like polar bears, penguins, seals, killer whales, wolves, and even narwhals.  There was also a part about a certain type of caterpillar who eats as much as possible in the spring, trying to gain enough weight to metamorphose.  Most often, they can't make it before Winter comes, so they find a place to lie down and their hearts actually stop beating, they stop breathing, and their blood freezes.  Come spring, they just pop back up like nothing (they don't actually freeze to death), and start munching away again.  They do this for years before they can actually become moths.  The one they showed tried for 14 years before s/he made it.  There were also a lot of cute baby animals, so I had fun watching it.  Plus, I like learning things when I watch TV, strange as that is.

I crocheted some earlier and then sat in Jamie's room while he played Mass Effect 3.  I like watching him play games - especially ones with an interesting story line (sports games, not so much).  Last night, I asked him questions about the game, especially the many different creatures in it.  (I call the Turians kitties - they just look like kitty cats to me, don't ask.  Also, sometimes James and I meow when one of them comes on.  We're weird like that.)

I read while he played his game and FINALLY finished 1Q84.  Here's my rating:

1Q84 by Haruki Murakami

My rating: 4 of 5 stars

View all my reviews



I was kind of disappointed in the book.  It was really good, don't get me wrong.  The story was interesting, the writing style was smooth, the language was rich - but I was let down a bit by the ending.  I felt like the ending was more of an afterthought.  I felt like there were some loose ends, or at least elements of the story that were never pursued.  The story felt complete, but at the same time, a lot was left as unexplainable or was loosely explained.  I think the story was just too massive.  There was a much more concise path that could have been followed to make the story more complete.  I don't know.  I hate philosophizing about books (and dislike those who try), so I'm not going to go on about it.  These are only my impressions and I won't try to guess at the aims of the author.  It was a good book, though. I would still recommend it.

Well, I'm glad I got a chance to sit down and write some more.  I think one of the problems in the past few days was that I just wasn't sure how to get some of the events down in writing.  I'm still not sure I did a good job of it.  My main goal in doing this blog is to be able to sit down at the end of the year with a solid copy in my hands as a journal of my life this year.  But of course, I am my own worst critic.

Love,
Christen

March 20, 21, & 22: Realization

LBD w/ Statement Necklace by bunni711 featuring a snake necklace

Oppugn (uh-PYOON) v. - to call in question [m-w.com]; Call into question the truth or validity of [Google Dictionary]

March 20: Today I decided to get an account on reddit and explore the maze that is subreddits.  I have to say, it is a pretty cool site.  There is so much on there, it's kind of nuts.  I found a lot of cool subreddits that I liked.  I read an IAMA about a man who had just gotten out of prison after 5 1/2 years.  It was super interesting.  You can ask the person anything.  I didn't comment on anything yet, though.  It seems like you can really open yourself up to some drama if you're not careful with your comments or where you leave them.  I found some subreddits that I could really relate to, so I feel pretty good about it so far.  I'll have to look into more subreddits tomorrow.

I watched the first episode of the new ANTM season, which is pretty much a competition between 7 American models and 7 British models.  It's kind of interesting, but I find it very devious that they pitted the countries against one another from the beginning.  It's sure to create lots of drama, and I suppose that's what they're aiming for.  I realized today that I have 3 episodes of Alcatraz to catch up on.  It always seems like I'm catching up on shows.

I have a meeting tomorrow afternoon with my JavaScript/Multimedia professor on the class chat room.  Apparently I will be able to share my desktop with her so she can finally see my video from the project before.  She also said she can help me out with my JavaScript while we're on there.  I really hope we can figure out what's wrong with my code since practically nothing works.

By the way, happy first day of Spring!

March 21: I stayed up pretty late last night, so I'm feeling pretty beat today.  I'm not sure why, but I got kind of nervous about my meeting today with my professor, even though we aren't even meeting in person.  It's something very illogical that I do, and it's automatic, so I can't really control it.  I was kind of worried that we would be voice chatting.  I just always get nervous talking to people.  Ugh!  Well, it ended up that we didn't do voice chat, which was nice for me.  The share tool on the chat actually only shared the specific application I wanted to show her (instead of my whole desktop).  We also talked about JavaScript - we spent two hours on it!  We worked out most of the bugs, but there was still one last thing we couldn't find when we got off.  She said we could e-mail each other if one of us found the code that was wrong.  I found it shortly after we got off the chat and everything worked perfectly.  It was such a relief!  I turned it in late, but I think I learned a lot from this project that will hopefully help me on future ones.

I spent most of the rest of the afternoon looking at subreddits.  There are soo many!  I found one for crochet, scrapbooking, a few for crafts in general, some for writing, some for graphic design, and a lot more.  I was on there a looong time.  It felt like I was getting lost in subreddits.  Later on, I watched the other two episodes of ANTM that are online.  This season seems different from the others, but I'm not quite sure why (apart from there being non-Americans on it, of course).  I find the photo shoots really interesting sometimes.  I don't watch the show for the drama.

I feel like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders since I got everything taken care of and turned in for those two classes.  Now I feel like I can really relax and enjoy my break.  It's nice to sit back and think that I have another half a week left of break.  Ahhhh...  : )

I'm getting closer to the end of my book.  At this point, I'm close to 150 pages to the end of 1Q84.  The book is 925 pages long!  It was actually originally published as three separate books in Japan!  I like it a lot so far, but I'm afraid there isn't enough time to really wrap things up well at the end.  Perhaps this is actually a series and I don't know it?  (Kind of like with A Discovery of Witches!)  I'm excited to get to the end, though.  It's time to read something new.

When I was on reddit late last night, I found a subreddit on anxiety, which led me to a link on revisions for the new DSM-V (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual for psychologists).  I was looking through the symptoms for General Anxiety, which says that you must experience anxiety in two areas of life for this diagnosis.  I definitely have anxiety over school (and social anxiety, but that's a different diagnosis), so I tried to think about other areas in my life in which I might have anxiety.  I'm not diagnosing myself here (after all, I only have a B.A. in psych), but I just realized that I have anxiety about my relationship with James, too.

I never understood this before, but it's absolutely true.  It explains a lot of my feelings, fears, etc.  I think just recognizing this fact will help me overcome it, but I'm really not sure what to do.  I think I need to realize when I am being anxious and stop the negative energy before it goes too far.  I'm not generally an insecure person (in fact, I've become pretty confident in recent years, especially in comparison to how I was in high school), but I still find myself having insecure feelings or thoughts at times about our relationship, oppugning his feelings for me.  There is no reason at all for me to feel that way (I think you can tell by my posts that we have an amazing relationship).  James and I frequently tell each other how much we love each other, we're always complimenting one another, and we're both very affectionate.  We spend a lot of time together, too.  We do a lot of things together and we like most of the same stuff.  There is no reason at all for me to feel anxious about his feelings for me.  When I sit down and think clearly about it (not letting the anxiety take over), then I can see for sure that we have something really amazing and that, by George, that man I am crazy in love with feels the same about me!

I guess some of that anxiety probably stems from my unstable self-image.  Most of the time I like the person I am, but other times I am hard on myself or just feel confused about what I'm doing and where I'm going in life - which makes me doubt who I am as a person.  I have to work harder on loving myself so that I can truly recognize how much James loves me.  In this case, I guess I have to suspend disbelief.

March 22: James came over today, and I was really excited to see him.  I missed him so much!  I feel like each and every day I am falling more in love with him.  I read some of his comments on reddit the other day - he sounds so smart when he talks about sports and he has a very intelligent way of expressing himself.  This is something I don't necessarily get to see all the time: how he interacts with others.  He always speaks intelligently when we talk about stuff (politics, religion, entertainment, world events, you name it).  It's just one more element of who he is that attracts me to him.  I love finding out new things about him or understanding him in a new light.

I don't know what people mean when they say that "familiarity breeds contempt" (or how people can get bored being with the same person, really).  The better I know James, the more I love him.  I think when people feel bored with someone the more they get to know them, it is a good sign that you are not meant to be with that person.  Or maybe it's more of an attitude thing: I just find great joy in knowing another person deeply and more completely every day.

We headed over to the library and I got Catch-22 out again.  I'm really going to read it this time!  I also got A Wizard of Earthsea by Ersula K. LeGuin.  I read the series when I was a kid and the second book (The Tombs of Atuan) really stuck with me.  I hope I like it this time around.  Sometimes books you loved as a kid fall flat when you're older.  We still have J. Edgar and Hugo out, and we'll probably watch them this weekend.  James mentioned the possibility of going to see The Hunger Games in the theater on Sunday.  I really hope we can!  I think the movie will be good and it will be a fun day out.  We don't really go out that much.

We also got some polar pops and when we got back, I tried out the waterfall braids on Meghan.  (She came back home last night from her boyfriend's house).  It was messy and kind of difficult, but pretty nice for not having had any directions!  I also curled my mom's hair.  It's growing out from being really short, so she wanted to do something with it since it's looking kind of awkward (at least she thinks so).  It turned out really nice.  Meghan took a pic on her phone, so maybe I can put it up here soon.

After I finished my mom's hair, we went to the store to pick up stuff to make chicken stir-fry.  We usually make it with sausages, but it was pretty good with chicken, too.  We get a bag of mixed veggies for it that has water chestnuts in it - they are soo good!  We also picked up some ice cream.

I'm making progress on my book.  I've got less than 120 pages to go.  I'm getting there!  I'm hoping to finish it up in the next couple of days (definitely during break).  Then I'll probably start Catch-22 so I can make sure I actually read it this time around.  I had it for about 2 months last time, but ended up finding 1Q84, and getting through it is no small feat.  I just kept reading other things first.

Anywho, sorry about all these triple posts lately.  I guess I've been busy with other things and haven't felt as much like writing.  I will keep sticking with it, though.  I enjoy writing these posts and I think it's been really good for me. Other than that, the weather has been really nice lately (it was pretty hot when we were walking around town earlier).  It almost feels like summer already.  Enjoy the weather and have a great night!

Love,
Christen

March 17, 18, & 19: Crazy Stuff

Glamor Girl by bunni711 featuring platform pumps

Contrition (kun-TRISH-en) n. - The state of feeling remorseful and penitent [Google Dictionary]; The state of feeling or showing sorrow and remorse for a sin or shortcoming [m-w.com]

March 17: Today we went to my nephew's 14th birthday party.  He makes me feel so old.  First, we headed over to my house after lunch (pizza lunchables).  I had trouble finding something nice to wear, so we were a bit late.  My mom had wanted to leave early, though, so we weren't late for the party - just late for being early.  When we got to my house, my mom was watching The Ghost Whisperer and wanted to see the end, so we would've been sitting around for a while if we'd been on time.

It was a really nice day out.  When we got to my sister's house, we sat outside on the front porch and talked.  The puppies were all out there (they have a gate up so they don't escape) and we let Teddy roam about with them.  He tried to squeeze through the slats in the gate, though, so we had to put him back on the leash.  After awhile, we went inside and sat around being bored for a bit.  James and I decided to play Kings in the Corner while we waited for the party to start.  There were muddy buddies (which are the best!) and an ice cream cake from DQ.  I painted my nails again since they were chipping while my mom visited with my sister.  James was pretty bored and went out to see Teddy, who was on the line in the back yard, barking with Polka Dot at the neighbor dogs.

After we got back from the party, James and I watched tv and everybody was pretty tired.  We had some swiss steak, rice, and corn on the cob for dinner.  The corn was really, really good.  I didn't bring my book or computer along, so we were a bit bored.  We ate pretty late, too.  I wasn't able to get much work done today.  Hopefully I'll be able to get everything done tomorrow.

March 18: Today started out alright, but ended up pretty badly.  I got some work done on my JavaScript, but I'm having a lot of trouble with it.  I can't get anything to work.  I haven't had a lot of time to work on it, either, what with that huge paper I had to do.  At 2pm, the Game of Thrones marathon started, which James was really excited about watching.  The first episode seemed kind of boring, probably because I didn't know the characters yet, but after that, it was really interesting.  I liked the show.  The marathon was on until midnight - all 10 episodes of the first season.

Besides that, I had a crummy day.  James and I had a disagreement that I blew out of proportion, and got pretty upset over.  I said some things I regret.  We made up, though, and apologized.  It's difficult to have fights, but it's a normal part of any relationship.  This one could have been avoided if I had just been more reasonable.  I think I was just not in a great place personally and it all got out of hand.  After the show was over, we talked it out and cuddled.  I feel scared that he will still be upset with me and the way I acted.  I have to trust him, though.  We both love each other very much, and one fight will not change that.

I had trouble with my homework earlier because I was upset and having a lot of trouble with the JavaScript.  I think that was another reason why this happened - I was stressed about my code not working.  I turned in the yacht club assignment, but e-mailed the prof to let her know I needed more help with the JavaScript and it would be late.  I hope she will be able to help me because that code is a mess.  I feel like I might be close, but am missing something important.

March 19: I woke up still unsure about what happened yesterday.  I still felt terrible about what happened and what was said.  I feel a huge amount of contrition about my own words and actions.  Still, I can't let that put a shadow over the rest of the day.

We had toasted subs for lunch and I read my book while James surfed the net.  I'm about 200 pages to the end now; it has been a long ride!  My professor e-mailed me again about the video from my last project on the yacht club site.  I haven't been able to send it to her through e-mail since the file is so large.  She said I might be able to show her the video through the chat feature on our class website, so we're going to set up a time for that.  She also e-mailed me about the JavaScript homework, asking me to send her my code (I have the same prof for those two classes).

Later, I sat with him and read some more while he played video games.  He played Mass Effect 3, which looks pretty cool.  It made me think about how much work must go into these games.  These high-end, popular games are like A-list movies, and they must be expensive.  I'm sure a lot of really talented people work on these big games, too.  It's kind of interesting to think of them as the "big leagues" of the gaming world.  I still think they could use some work on their characters' facial features when they talk.  It still looks pretty awkward.  Sometimes their heads bob around strangely while they talk.  There was one scene that James was playing today where Shepard was talking to someone but looking in the completely opposite direction the whole time.  Turns out he was looking at this floaty ball thing in the air.  Other than that, the game looks really cool and looks like a lot of fun.  I'm not sure if I would enjoy playing something like that, but I do like watching James play - besides he's good at them and I'm not so much so.

Later on, I took a short nap while James was on the computer, and then we headed over to my house.  Things were going a lot better later on.  We talked some more and reassured each other.  We stopped for some blizzards at DQ before we got to my house.  Jamie got an Oreo and I got a Snickers.  They made mine with vanilla instead of chocolate ice cream, though.  It was kind of annoying, but they were busy, so we didn't say anything.  It was still really good.  I was a little grumpy about it, but I decided not to let it bother me (because it was silly!), and we had a good time talking and enjoying our ice cream.  We also saw a little wiener dog walking down the street.  I thought we should talk about dachshunds some time in public, but only refer to them as "wieners" or "weenies."  It would be pretty funny, you have to admit.

When we got back to my house, James and I cuddled and watched some TV.  We had chili dogs for dinner (one of Jamie's favorites) and some wedge fries, both of which were really yummy.  Later, we played Scrabble and cheated a bunch.  We don't keep score and sometimes we trade tiles, but it's fun.  I miss him a bunch now, but I also think it's good for us to have some time alone right now.  I feel like we are in a really good place now.  It makes me really happy to see that we can keep bouncing back and that James will keep on loving me even when I am not very lovable.  That's all I really want.

Love,
Christen