March 10: Dilemma

Day to Night: Gray, Pink, Purple by bunni711 featuring stone jewelry

Incubus (IN-kyuh-buhs) n. - something that weighs upon or oppresses one like a nightmare [dictionary.com]; a cause of distress or anxiety [Google Dictionary]

I forgot to mention in yesterday's post that we had Burger King for dinner last night.  I had one of the BBQ Toppers wth onion rings on it and it was pretty good.

Anywho, I wanted to get up earlier today but ended up falling back asleep.  I didn't do too much in the morning besides hang out with James.  We had lunchables for lunch (pepperoni pizza).  I worked on my crochet project some more while James played video games.  I also went on Pinterest for a while.  Later on I had some Krave cereal because I was still hungry from lunch.  I sat in Jamie's room thinking I was hungry for a long time before I actually got up.  I was so tired!  I took a nap before dinner, which really helped.

We had KFC for dinner, but it made me sick.  It's not so much fun eating such bad stuff, especially two nights in a row.  They always eat out on the weekends here, though.  When I get my own place, I plan on eating a lot better than I do now.  I hope to eat as much unprocessed food as possible.

After dinner, I started working on my paper some more.  James is thinking about dropping the class for a W, and now I am undecided about what to do.  I feel like I made a mistake not dropping the class before, but I've already put a lot into the class at this point.  It's about half over.  Now we have this huge paper due and it's driving me nuts.  After this, there isn't another huge paper and there will hopefully be less stress involved.  On the other hand, though, the class is causing me so much anxiety that I'm not sure it's good for me.  But, if I take it later I have to pay extra (than I had planned), and I might get stuck with a class that is just as terrible.  Then, I'll have to do another semester of this.  I'm torn.  I really don't know what to do.  Meanwhile, I still have to work on this paper and get it done in 3 more days.  I'm kind of freaking.

James and I watched Game Change on HBO tonight.  It was interesting.  I never liked Sarah Palin, but it was interesting to get another perspective on the campaign.  Who knows how much drama was added.  I'm just glad they didn't win.

Ugh!  I'm so stressed out right now.  This paper is driving me up the wall.  It's proving to be a horrible incubus.  I can't wait until I'm done with it.  I'm worried about what kind of grade I'll get, but all I can do is write the best paper I can.  I still have no idea what to do my graphics on.  I almost feel like I don't know how to write a paper anymore.  And it's all I can think about.  I just hope I can pull this out.

Love,
Christen

March 8 & 9: Happy Days

Relax by bunni711 featuring enamel jewelry

Abeyance (uh-BAY-uhnss) n. - A state of temporary disuse or suspension [Google Dictionary]; temporary inactivity; suspension [merriamwebster.com]

March 8: Last night I could not sleep.  I stayed up abnormally late (or early) because I was simply not sleepy.  I spent a bunch of time online and reading, then just went to bed because it was so late - I'm not even sure I was tired.

Jamie came over today.  I missed him so much.  We had a good time talking, cuddling, and hanging out on our own.  I didn't get up til kind of late since I went to bed so late.  Later on, we went to the library to take back Catch 22 since I just don't have time to read it before it's due.  I'm still working on 1Q84 and then I have The Hunger Games to read.  I decided to institute an abeyance of reading and going online today.  I just wanted to chill out and spend time with James today.  I have been so anxious lately that I really needed a day off, and I just haven't been letting myself relax.  I needed today.

We also picked up Moneyball on blu-ray at the library.  James really wants to watch it.  I'm not sure if I'll like it, but I'm willing to watch it with him.  We had some orange chicken for dinner (homemade) and blondies.  Both were really good.  The blondies (if you don't know) are like brownies, but they taste like butterscotch.  James and I also played some Trivial Pursuit, which is always fun.  I'm just glad that we got to spend some quality time together today  - just the two of us.  I feel really happy today.

March 9: We headed back to Jamie's house yesterday.  We headed over to the store and picked up some sandwiches for lunch.  We also got some pop and Swedish Fish (Mmmm...) James had a couple of Reese's Eggs, too, so we had a very delicious lunch while we watched Moneyball.  I actually really liked the movie.  Whenever I had questions, Jamie answered them for me since he knows a lot about baseball.

Later, Jamie played video games and I organized my crochet projects.  I made tags for my projects out of index cards that tell me what the project is, what hook is used, and how many rows I have done so far.  I also wrote directions on the back.  Then, I punched holes in them and threaded the loop of the last stitch (the one I'm working on) through so that I won't lose any stitches.  It's kind of hard to describe.  I also made a list of projects and all the yarn I have.

I tried my hand at knitting again today, but I am still awful at it.  I picked up crochet really quickly (I did learn how to chain at a young age, though, but that doesn't help so much with creating actual projects!)  I'm not sure why, but apparently my sister and mom both have trouble with knitting, too.  We must be a crochet family.  I worked a bit on my Fresh Produce Bag. (If you're interested, check out my Crochet Goddess blog.)  I hadn't crocheted in quite a while, but it was fun to get back into it.  It's like riding a bike - I picked it right back up without a problem.  It must be muscle memory.

Later, I spent a bunch of time on Pinterest.  I like finding cool organization ideas and pretty rooms for my future house.  I also collect pictures of cute puppies (among other things).  I continued my abeyance of reading today.  Books can often affect the direction of your thoughts and my book is getting pretty weird and heavy.  I figured a break might do me some good.  I have to separate my real life and my real life feelings from the book world sometimes.  I should see it as a talent to get so deeply involved in books.  We'll go with that.  : )

That is not to say that my book is bad.  It is really good and the style is so fluid and easy to get into.  I think one of the greatest talents an author can have is a writing style that you can just dive into.  It doesn't get in the way of the story and it lets you jump in and get involved.  I hope if/when I ever do write a book I can accomplish that.

James is such a great boyfriend - he sat and watched Say Yes to the Dress: Atlanta with me even though he doesn't like that show.  He says it's their accents/attitudes.  I guess the regular SYTTD is alright with him.  But he still sat and watched it with me.  I'm so crazy about that man.  That is only one of many, many reasons!

I found out today that the Amazon mp3 credit I got with one of my textbooks is expired.  I was pretty upset, but it's only $5.  It's not really a huge deal.  I'm getting a bit anxious about my paper.  The days seem to be flying by.  I need to find that motivation and buckle down.  It's really hard when I see no point in the class or the work, plus James isn't sweating his paper yet, either.  Must get paper done! - the earlier the better!

Nonetheless, I have to try to stay relaxed.  I let schoolwork stress me out too much.  I have to remind myself that it doesn't have to be perfect.  I keep projecting on other people my own feelings about it - everyone doesn't expect perfection and nothing less, just me.

I've been thinking lately about possibly trying to get a job as a columnist for a local paper.  It would be so nice to have some extra money and it would be nice to have a job to do.  I like to write and need to keep practicing.  Since I've already written a column for the Daily Kent Stater, I might actually be able to get a job, especially at a small paper.  I'll have to look into it.

Well, I hope you all have a great evening!

Love,
Christen

March 6 & 7: Heaviness

Get Out of the Fold: blue, pink, and gray by bunni711 featuring a neon belt

Rapacious (ruh-PAY-shus) adj. - greedy; grasping; predatory [Webster's]; Aggressively greedy or grasping [Google Dictionary]

March 6: I played a lot of Boggle Bash on Pogo today.  I'm not very good at it, but it's kind of addicting.  At first I was wondering why I was the only person in the game room (there are challenge you complete as a group), but then I realized that I had to join a room (I had just pressed 'Play Now') - silly me! It was kind of worse playing with other people, though, because I keep doing poorly comparatively.

I also played the Sims today.  I haven't played in a while, partly because of how busy I've been and partly because I go through phases of interest and it's just not part of this one.  I go through these phases all the time where I am very interested in one or a few things or I only want to do certain things, then after a few months or less I switch to something else.  I guess now it's reading and making stuff on Polyvore.  I'm not sure.  It's hard to tell when something is a phase or when it's more permanent.  I hope the reading is permanent.  I think it is because I've always loved reading a lot and I've been reading pretty consistently for a long time now.  I thought that with crochet, though, too.

Honestly, I think I had a pretty boring day.  Not much of it was memorable.  I got to watch my shows tonight - New Girl and Raising Hope.  I was a little distracted playing Boggle, though...  I spent most of the day in my room on the computer, but I got a good chunk of work done, too.  I found a great research article for my proposal that gave me a lot of information to work with.  If I keep this up, the paper will be no problem at all.  I think it's the motivation to write it that is the real problem.  It doesn't help that I feel like I don't even need to take the class.  We learned this stuff in high school.  I think I'm beyond it now.  Blech.

Getting so much research and writing done makes me feel a lot better.  I feel more calm - the anxiety over it has been building up slowly and freaking me out a bit.  Anxiety seems to be a theme for me right now.  I have to find it in myself to relax and calm down.  This is not the end of the world!  This is just a class.  I've taken a million of them.  It will be fine.  Repeat.

March 7: Today has been a strange day.  Before I get into the strangeness, I'll relate some more mundane facts.  For most of the morning and early afternoon, I did some more cleaning in my room.  I actually organized my sister's books on her bookshelf and made her bed.  The messiness of our room has been stressing me out lately, but the organization makes me feel calm and good.  I went through more boxes and tackled the closet.  I even hung a closet organizer in there, but ended up breaking the clothing rod.  Well, not really breaking - it was already broken.  I just made it fall off.  My dad fixed it with some wire temporarily, but we'll see how it works out.  I have a suspicion that I will wake up in the middle of the night to a giant crash from the rod spilling all our clothes and snapping in two (again).

I watched this new show called Genuine Ken, which was pretty silly.  The host was silly.  The guys were silly.  Just silliness.  I felt heavy, though, and needed distracting.  Later I read a whole bunch.  My book is getting heavy and it's rubbing off on me.  Sometimes I get too into my books.  We had corn on the cob for dinner, which I have been wanting for a really long time.  It was delicious.  We had some brownies later, but they weren't cooked all the way.  Honestly, the gooey parts were the best, though.  I played more Boggle earlier, too.  Still suck at it.

So, the strangeness.  My day was normal for most of the morning and afternoon.  I had some lunch and talked to James, read some of my book.  Then I decided to watch The Bachelor.  It was the "women tell all" episode.  I never like them.  They're boring and most often annoying.  Everyone complains and hates on everyone else.  It's ugly.  This was the worst one.  I don't think I want to get into everything (I already had a long conversation with James about it - which led to some other, unrelated revelations).  It just made me upset to hear everything the other girls had to say about Courtney.  I know she was a bitch and hurt a lot of people, but she deserves a second chance just like everyone else.  One of the things I hated the most were the looks on the audience members' faces when they heard about her.  God, it makes me sick.  They are television viewers, watching someone's life unfold.  They know nothing but what they see on TV.  It makes me sick to see people judging without thinking and being heartless and unforgiving.  It makes me hate the world we live in.

I guess the big thing is that I can relate to Courtney.  I have trouble making friends and being around people.  It stresses me out and people misjudge me all the time for my shyness.  When people said things about her, of course her defenses went up.  When the girls said they dealt with the same discomfort and anxiety by making friends and supporting each other, I just thought you do not get it.  It's not my personality to lash out at people who hurt me, but I understand the alienation, the misjudgment, the unfairness.  I understand what it's like to be talked about behind your back.  It scares me so much to hear such finality when all the girls said they could never forgive her, no matter what she did.  Did she really wound you so deeply that you could be so callous?  If someone breaks down crying right in front of you, can you really turn around and say it was all an act?  I fully realize that I could be an excessively naive person - but I believe her.  I believe that someone can make grievous mistakes and wish them back wholeheartedly.  She isn't good with people.  Neither am I.  I get it.

Those other girls up there saying terrible things about Courtney were like the popular girls who bullied me in Elementary School.  They just don't know they are.  And they have wounded her (and the media, much more so) more than she ever hurt them.  Does she deserve to be ridiculed, derided, abused because of the crass things she said out of defense?  If you expect forgiveness for yourself, you had better be ready to give it out, too.  I learned today that hatred knows no bounds.

Liked I said, I don't know if Courtney is just as rapacious as everyone says she is, but I see myself in her.  I see someone who has been hurt in the past, who mistrusts people and is misunderstood, who has made mistakes and realized them.  Maybe I read too much humanity into these people - they are on television, aren't they?  Isn't the main goal to make good television, after all?

I know I said I didn't want to get into it.  Sorry about that.

I won't get into the other things I realized today.  I just know that I need to reexamine the way I see myself.  It's difficult for me to reconcile the path that I'm walking now with the dreams I had for myself when I was younger.  I really wanted to go far in life.  I had a lot of high hopes for college and my career.  Now I feel like I missed the mark.  I keep using that phrase a lot.  I feel like I didn't do what I wanted to and it's too late.  I guess that's silly - I am pretty young still.  I just envisioned something different and I need to come to terms with what my life is and will be now.  I shouldn't think of it as so concrete, but I can't help it.  It feels like there's no going back.  I just know that I am a completely different creature from the one who dreamed of double majors, high honors, internships, business suits...

What I really want now is just a job I enjoy that won't invade my life.  I don't want my job to be my life.  I want to sit at home with James every night and watch movies and spend too much time online and chase my hobby phases.  I want to eat good food and read books and decorate a house.  I want puppies and quiet nights and feeling in love with James more and ore every day.  I just want to be alone with a few people.  The world scares me and people scare me.  I don't want it.  I just want my little life and nothing else.

They weren't kidding when they said this time of life was really hard.

Love,
Christen

March 5: Ice Cream Premonition

Get Out of the Fold by bunni711 featuring gray shoes

Orotund (Or-uh-tund) adj. - pompous (of rhetoric or delivery) [Webster's Dictionary]; (of writing, style, or expression) Pompous; pretentious [Google Dictionary]

Today has been an interesting day.  I got up earlier today, and hopefully I can keep it up.  After I ate some yummy double chocolate Krave cereal for breakfast (it's one of my favorite cereals now), I found out that the access code I just ordered has been cancelled because they ran out.  I looked around for another one, but the prices are a lot higher everywhere else.  I'm talking about almost $20 higher.  I think I'm going to wait it out a while since my homework for that class is "work at your own pace."  I don't want to wait too long, though, because I'll get a backlog of homework and it will be a nightmare.  I'd like to avoid that.

After lunch, I played a bunch of Boggle online (and did poorly at it for some reason.  I tell you, I was getting horrible letters!)  I got super tired before dinner and took a nap.  When I got up, we started getting ready to head over to my house and left at about 7:30.  We were going to get some Dairy Queen, but when we stopped there, the sign said it closed at 7.  I was pretty bummed.  It was strange, though, because the lights were all on, there were cars there, and the sign said open.

This is where it gets interesting.  When we got to my house, no one was home but Teddy!  I don't have a key to the new apartment yet, so we knocked and waited for a while until we were sure no one was home.  I even called the home phone to be sure.  Poor Teddy was there in the dark with the tv on and was getting upset because he could hear us just on the other side of the door but couldn't get to us.  He is usually fine being left at home for a little while, but it was difficult for him to be so close to us and not be able to see us!  After I called my grandma to make sure my dad wasn't over there (my mom was at work and my grandma lives in the same complex as we do), we decided to try A&W for some ice cream.

When we drove past DQ, though, the lights were still on.  We parked and saw that there were people inside, so we tried the door and they were open.  They ended up closing at 8, but we did get our delicious treats!  I got my usual Reese's cup blizzard with chocolate ice cream.  It was sooo good.  : )  Jamie got an m&m blizzard (with vanilla, yuck - just kidding!)  After they closed, I still wasn't finished with my blizzard (I'm a very slow eater), so we parked at the apartments and I finished my ice cream in the truck. We didn't have to wait too long and James and I just talked and cuddled while we waited for my mom to get home from work.  I vowed to always call before we leave now!

My mom brought home some cheeseburgers from work and we gave her the mistake blizzard that we got at DQ.  There was a new kid working there and he accidentally made my blizzard with vanilla ice cream, so we got the mistake one for free.  It's so weird because I kept imagining this scenario all week.  We would order my blizzard, they would mess it up, we would get one free and give it to my parents.  Weird!  Welp, that's what happened even though Jamie wanted us to share that one too.  I reminded him that he would probably regret it later and that he was trying not to eat a lot of foods that would bother his stomach.

Jamie did end up feeling sick later, but he said he wasn't sure if it was the ice cream or not.  He had to leave early, though, because of it.  It made me sad for him to leave early because I wanted to spend more time with him, but I also need the alone time.  It's important even in the strongest of relationships to have time for yourself.

Me and Teddy are hanging out in my room, which looks so nice since I organized it last week.  It makes me feel so good to be in here.  It feels more like my own space now.  Plus, I feel so much calmer when I'm in a well-organized space.  I like everything to be in its place.  It's kind of ironic since I have a tendency toward messiness (but that just makes me feel stressed).  I'll have to check the rest of the boxes in our closet (I share a room with my sister, by the way) to make sure I got all of my stuff.  I did spy another box full of clothes.  I can't believe I have so many clothes and pretty much nothing to wear.  In my defense, a lot of stuff doesn't fit anymore or is pretty old.  I could use a clothes shopping day.

There's not much else to say about the day.  I read some earlier.  I wish I had more time to read, but I've got a bunch of work, as usual.  This week is lighter - just JavaScript homework and working on my paper.  I think it's coming together better now.  I have the research separated into categories so it'll be a lot easier to do.

Other than that, I had a weird run-in with a random hipster on facebook.  I commented on an old friend's photo (a very old friend, from 2nd grade) of her new haircut, saying it was cute.  She went on about how the bangs would be a pain and her hipster friends threw out random big words and philosophized about who knows what.  Then, another hipster friend decided that two comments in a row complementing her hair qualified her friends as "sycophants."  That was going to be the word of the day, but I decided not to associate the whole post with a very annoying occurrence.  (Sycophant means "a servile flatterer" or someone who acts obsequiously - pretty much a brown noser.)  This comment was way out of left field and the guy posted it right after my comment.  I was pretty put off by it.  (Okay, I was mad.)  I just feel like there are a lot of orotund young hipsters out there that think throwing around large words makes you ten times smarter than anyone else.  Or knowing about literature makes you a superior sort of human being.  It was just mean and stupid and uncalled for.  (By the way, I love the word pretentious; it's one of my favorite words to use these days.)  I think I better understand people from previous decades now, and the stereotypes they all hated (like hippies, yuppies, etc.)  Hipsters are my generation's hippies.  I have been enlightened.

Anywho, goodnight all!

Love,
Christen

March 4: Class Confusion

Get Out of the Fold: blue and gray by bunni711 featuring a duffle bag

Ebullient (adj.) - Cheerful and full of energy [Google Dictionary]; having or showing liveliness and enthusiasm [mirriam-webster.com]

Today I stayed in bed a bit too long and have been tired most of the day.  It seems like I keep going through these cycles of sleeping just enough and sleeping too much.  I've just got to try harder!

Let's see, I had the rest of my delicious Chinese food for lunch today.  While I ate, I watched the two Raising Hope episodes I missed.  I'm so happy Jimmy and Sabrina are together now!  It's really cute.  Hopefully they stay together, too.  Later in the afternoon, I couldn't help falling asleep for a little bit, but felt groggy and grumpy when I got up.  I wonder if the problem is just a lack of structure.  I do like the freedom of online classes, but I'll tell you, it is no less work.

I read a bunch today, too, and finally finished book one of 1Q84.  It's really good so far.  There are a lot of parts that I hope come together in the end.  I think this author is thorough about his writing, though, so I really think he will bring things to a nice conclusion.  I like that he includes a lot of philosophy in his writing, too.  It's nice to read a book that makes you think.

Later on, I started writing out a rough outline for my proposal.  I also read a bunch of the discussion posts to get a feel for what is expected of us.  I'm not sure if my idea will go over well with my teacher because I don't have an actual business to pitch the idea to.  I posted about it, though, so hopefully I'll get an answer tomorrow.  Now that I've started writing it, the project doesn't seem as scary.  I'm still unsure of how I'm supposed to write the thing, but hopefully reading other students' drafts and her comments will help me get a better idea.  I wish the professor would give us more directions about what she wants.  I started my research tonight, too, so I'm feeling more confident about it.  Nonetheless, I'm not going to be ebullient about writing the silly thing.

Other than that, I ordered my access code for Computer Assembly.  I'm not sure how that homework is going to go.  From the information online about it, the homework seems confusing/complicated/no fun at all.  All I can do is hope that it's not too bad.

I'm still not sure what I'm going to do about my last semester.  I'm going to look up my GPS information (it's a program that shows you your degree progress) and see what I still need to complete.  I thought before that I only needed two classes, but now I'm not sure.  The other degree completion program said I needed more.  If it's only two, I really could finish in the summer, but there's a class I really wanted to take that's only offered in the fall.  I'm still not sure.  I really don't want to delay finishing any longer, but I'm also, honestly, scared about being done and having to get a job.  I'd like to finish sooner, though, if possible.  I'll have to figure out how much I really want to take that extra class, plus I think it would help me get a job.  The class is called Digital Image Manipulation, and I think it will really help me on the design side since I don't have any graphic design experience otherwise (well not much, anyway).  I think I do well with graphics, but that's not going to convince employers. Honestly, though, I'm sure my portfolio will speak louder than anything else...  I guess I just don't know what to do yet!

Well, I've submitted 3 entries for the Converse contest, but I might enter more if I can.  There's only one day left, but I might be able to get another one in.  Welp, I think that's about it!  Goodnight everyone.

Love,
Christen